


To The Only Girl I've Ever Loved

by ifailbutitry



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-08-11 22:41:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20161300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifailbutitry/pseuds/ifailbutitry
Summary: Just something that popped in my head.Post reveal.Kara writes letters to an angry Lena. Doesn't really start off romantic but it will probably get there eventually.





	1. Chapter 1

__

_Lena, _

_I don’t know how to make things better, or if there is a way, but I will do as you ask and stay away. _

_There aren’t really words that can explain away my actions. You were right. I should have told you. I wish I had. I thought I was doing the right thing. That I was shielding you from it by you not knowing. I didn't think anything good could come of it. _

_I had this friend when I was younger, Kenny. He was my first friend in Midvale. Kenny used to go out in the woods at night to look at the sky through his telescope. The stars in Midvale were astonishing. There were many nights where I too would find myself with my head in the clouds. He was the sweetest boy in the school. I was the strange kid who struggled to find their words and he befriended me anyway. He used to tutor Alex after school, not that she would’ve told anyone. Kenny died about a year after I arrived with the Danvers. I didn't know it, but Kenny had known my secret and never told me. _

_About a year after Kenny died Jeremiah disappeared. Alex and I snuck out one night and he and Eliza caught us making our way back in. Not long after there was a knock on the door. They told him that it was him or me. If he didn’t go work for the DEO, then I would be taken into custody. He had left to protect me. He went missing protecting J’onn. I think he’s where Alex gets that instinct from. That drive to defend others with very little thought to herself._

_I didn’t like Mon-El very much when he first arrived. There was a lot about our relationship that didn’t work, but he was the only person who remembered home. We saw it completely different. He thought we were all arrogant and self-righteous. We didn’t mean to be. I didn’t think we were. I see now that maybe he was at least a little right. I thought his people were careless, lackadaisical, and cruel. We learned a lot from each other though. We had both lost our homes and were looking for a way to cope with that. I know now that we were too different to last, but he turned out to be a good man. A good friend. I sent him back out there. I was trapped for years and sent him to that same fate. _

_Winn was the first person I met at CatCo. I remember him wishing me luck right before my interview with Cat. He was one of two people outside of my family that I’ve told about myself. The first. Right on the roof of CatCo. I think he was more excited than I was. He made my first suit. Several suits actually. For three years he was my man in the van. Alex aside, he was my biggest supporter. I understand why Brainy sent him back with Mon-El in his place. I was happy for him. Happy that he finally could see what the rest of us saw in him. But I was devastated for myself. My best friend was leaving and never coming back. Even now I sometimes regret telling him. Having his support was great, having him was better. Had I never told him he never would have gone to work for the DEO, never would have met the Legion, never would have left. I ask myself what if constantly._

_There was a man from my childhood who saw what I could do. He kidnapped Alex almost two years ago. He wanted me to help get his father out of prison. I wanted to so badly. I nearly got her killed rushing into what turned out to be a trap. I wouldn’t have been able to save her without Maggie. A couple of months ago she asked J’onn to take my secret from her. To make her forget her own sister in order to protect me. I’m the one with all these gifts and I fail time and time again to save her. That time where she didn't remember finally freed her. She was reminded to live for herself instead of me. To make herself happy. _

_I don't know how to balance all of this Lena. I question my actions constantly but am forced to act. I don’t know how to live two lives. Who to tell and who not to? There have been so many times that I wanted to tell you. Where I was tempted to. I thought I was protecting you, but I was protecting myself. I had my fist clenched tight in an attempt not to lose anyone else. Not to lose you. Now I have anyway._

_You deserved to hear it from me and not Lex. From someone who loves you and not someone who was throwing it in your face. I wish I could change things. I wish I could take away the pain that I’ve caused. Wishes can’t always come true though and for that too I’m sorry. I hope you know that it wasn’t all a lie. I concealed part of myself, but a larger part I shared with you. _

_On your side always,  
Kara_

Kara folds the letter into thirds and then places it in an envelope. She writes Lena's name on the center and the date in the top right corner and puts her pen down. For a couple of moments she fiddles with it, rubbing her fingers over the name on the front before placing it in the top drawer of her desk with a sigh.


	2. Chapter 2

_Lena, _

_I dreamt of home last night. _

_I dreamt that I was back in the council room. Everything looked as it did when I was much younger, before the effects of the deterioration set in. My father and my uncle were arguing as usual but with smiles on their face instead of the looks of distress that I remember. It was something silly no doubt. Lara asked me to fetch them. _

_I remember sitting down for dinner together with my parents, Kal, Aunt Lara, and Uncle Jor. Everyone was so happy, and everything seemed a bit brighter. I couldn’t quite figure out what, but something felt off. That’s when Alex, Eliza, and Jeremiah walked in and I felt this warmth tingling at the tips of my toes. Cat, Winn, J’onn came in and the warmth spread. James and Kelly, Nia and Brainy, Lois and Lucy. I was filled with this sense of serenity. Then you walked in. I don’t know how to explain the feeling. It was like waking up in the loft on a Tuesday morning with the sun streaming through the window. Just a normal day. When we were kids Alex and I thought Saturday’s were the best. There was no school and no school the next day either. They were days where we were free to do as we pleased. Sometimes that was going down to the beach and watching the seagulls. Sometimes it was a day of movies or a competition day for Alex. Now though I prefer Tuesday. _

_Tuesdays are normal and I almost always know what to expect. Not much bad happens on a Tuesday. Everyone is a little less grumpy than on Mondays having gotten over that first day of the week slump. Tuesday’s are sister nights. A lot of Tuesday’s were lunches with you and sometimes breakfast with J’onn. They’re phone calls with Eliza. They’re calming. You can appreciate the trivial things on Tuesdays. It’s those trivial things that turn out to be massive things when you look back. It’s before that pre-weekend excitement sets in where people don’t really think through their actions. Tuesday’s are safe. Rational. _

_Home was rational. Every decision was weighed against possible outcomes. Everything had been accounted for and everything was still lost. I guess I should’ve learned from those mistakes. _

_I should’ve learned that sometimes the best course of action is to just be honest. My aunt thought that would’ve saved our home. Maybe it would’ve saved us too. _

_Always, _

_Kara _

She signs her name and reads her words over. She knows that if she focuses her hearing, she can pick up the sounds of Lena working. She would surely hear the sound of her heels clicking as she moves around her office or her lab. If she focuses a bit more, she could hear her steady heartbeat. It’s not her place though, so with a shake of her head, the letter is folded to be placed in an envelope addressed with Lena’s name and the date. It joins the former in her desk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short one. Thoughts?


	3. Chapter 3

_Lena,_

_You told me once that in your own small way you were trying to be more like Supergirl. I should’ve told you then that it was me that needed to be more like you. _

_You have shown me so much in the three years that I’ve known you. I don’t think I would have been able to take on half of the things that I have without you by my side. The Daximites, Reign, the Children of Liberty. I wouldn’t have been strong enough to face any of them. There is something about the way you refuse to give up that makes it easier for the rest of us. Easier for me. After losing my home, Jeremiah, Astra… I guess it just gave me hope to see someone who had lost everything continue to fight. Even for people that didn’t deserve her by their side. No matter how many people doubted you, you continued to deliver time and time again._

_This is why I’m leaving. You gave me hope and I, in turn, gave it to National City, but I don’t think I can do that anymore. I don’t think I’m who they need anymore. Who they deserve. Dreamer is someone that they can see themselves in. A hero who is one of them, whether they know her identity or not, she is someone they can connect with. While I look like them, it’s apparent that I’m just too different. At home, the shield means El mayarah. Stronger together. Here it just separates me._

_I don't know what the point of me telling you here is since I know now that I have no intention of sending this letter, but I’m heading to Gotham. It almost feels as if I’m closing the door on any possibility of friendship. You have no business ties to the city, no reason to ever go there, and the chances of me running into you there are next to none. Maybe it's for the best that way. Despite telling myself that I shouldn’t, I still find myself flying high above LCorp most days. I walk past that dreadful vegetarian place you took me to on a regular basis, but can’t bring myself to go to Big Belly Burger. Gotham takes away all of those things that remind me of my mistakes. Of this loss that I never really saw coming. I hadn’t realized that losing a friend could feel like this. Maybe it’s just losing you. The month has felt like years and most days it feels like everything is frozen around me._

_I’m hoping that Gotham will help with that. There are so many distractions in a place like that. I’ll be working with a friend there. I won’t have to be Kara Danvers or Supergirl, just a scientist hidden away in a lab. It should be nice. Like when I was still working for Cat, before Alex’s plane went down. I won’t have to hide behind glasses, but I also won’t have to face the world. I’ll be there should it really need me until Kal comes back, but maybe it’s best if it is not in my hands. I’m not really confident in my ability to protect it these days. Not without doing more damage._

_Always,  
Kara_

She sat in the dark of the loft, curtains closed for the first time in a while and ears ringing. She had pushed her glasses onto her face so forcefully that the bridge had broken and they now sat on her face held together by masking tape. Kara listens to the sounds of the city and beyond, struggling to filter the cacophony of sounds with very little luck. There were balled up drafts of her letter scattered about the desk that she ignored as she moved slowly to address the one she had just finished and put it in the desk drawer. She wondered if she just avoided the sunlight if the sounds would eventually fade. Good thing the sun in Gotham never seemed to shine.

There is a pounding on the door that Kara is sure is a light rap in actuality. It’s a pattern similar to Alex and her theory is confirmed when she lets herself in. 

“I brought ice cream,” Alex booms as she throws her keys on the table by the door. 

Kara tenses further, Alex easily catching the movement. Her demeanor changes in an insant and she toes off her boots as quietly as she can before padding over to where her sister sits at her desk. 

“Rough day?” Her palm turns over, welcoming Kara to grab it but giving her a chance to keep her own space. 

“Just tired,” she shrugs. 

“Let’s skip the movies then.” She knows that on nights like these there’s not much she can do for her sister other then be there. She leads her to the couch and pulls the blanket off of the back to drape over Kara. Kara is quiet for several moments, Alex starting to think she had fallen asleep. 

“I miss her.”

“I know.”

“You’ll keep an eye out for her while I’m gone?” Alex's chest clenches at the pain in her voice. 

“Of course Kara.”

“For yourself too?”

“I’ll do my best.” She runs her hand through blonde hair and is suddenly reminded of the girl who had arrived over ten years ago.


	4. Chapter 4

_Lena,_

_I’m stuck. _

_I’ve only been in Gotham for a couple of days but I’m working on something for my friend Kate. It’s supposed to be sort of like armor. It's not quite like Guardian's. I'm hoping somthing fluid, something more cloth like, like my cape, but there isn’t anything quite like it on Earth. I’m trying to synthesize something, but we don’t have space for a large particle accelerator in the middle of Gotham. We didn’t really have them at home. Never really needed them. _

_I know how they work in theory. Cisco has let me look over the schematics of theirs, but they really just use it for training now. As informative as it was, it blew up in the end which I would rather avoid. Once I can figure out how to repair it and make it smaller, replicating the fabric of my cape should be the easy part. If anyone could help me figure it out it’d be you._

_It’s nice being able to help without a cape. I haven’t been able to work on a challenge like this since before CatCo. I used to hide out in the engineering building at Nat U when everyone had cleared it out. There was this cryogenic lab where they were researching magnetotransport properties that I loved to sit in. It felt like being back in the lab with my father and uncle. That’s how I feel now. Plus I know that my work will go to helping someone who is helping others. _

_I wonder what you’re working on. Are you still working with the Harun-El? You were right, the implications could be tremendous. Maybe if there was a way to fuse the serum with the antidote. I don’t think I’ll ever be completely comfortable with anything that originates from Kryptonite, but I understand a bit more now. If you could cure cancer and other illnesses wouldn’t it be worth it? It would be selfish of me to think otherwise. Maybe if the properties of the antidote could be delayed just long enough for the serum to take effect. It could take away the worry of meta human abilities. Just a thought._

_I hope that whatever you’re working on is successful. I’m sure you’ll get it in no time if not. I hope you’re finding happiness in whatever you are filling your days with._

_Always,_

_Kara_

“Kara!” she snaps to attention at the call of her name. “Little help?”

Kate is hobbling up the stairs her hand over her tricep. 

“Alright?” She hops up and immediately x-rays for injuries.

“Yeah yeah,” she waves her off. “Just a small cut. Want to fetch me some antiseptic?” Kara puts her letter in her bag on the floor and pulls out a first aid kit from her desk. Patting the chair next to her own.

“Plan on leaving the lab eventually.” Kate asks as she plops down in the chair. Kara shrugs as she carefully wipes the wound. 

“Maybe,” she sterilizes the needle with heat vision. 

“Maybe you’d like to go on patrol sometime. I’m not much of a team player but I could make an exception.” She’s seemingly ignored as Kara moves slower than usual, trying to be careful not to make the wound worse. 

“I’m keeping an eye out. You’re doing alright without me though. Who needs a super when you’ve got a bat?” Her smile is genuine, but tinged with a small grimace. 


	5. Chapter 5

_Lena,_

_I’ve said I’m sorry a countless number of times but I don't think I’ve said thank you yet. _

_Thank you for believing in me. Not in Supergirl, but in me. It’s been a long time since I’ve had that. I know my friends enjoy Kara Danvers’ company, but they rely on Supergirl. I know that they love me, but I’m not sure if they can separate that side of me. You wanted to be around me as I was. _

_Thank you for choosing to save me time after time. You’ve sacrificed so much to do the right thing for someone you didn’t really know. Or rather someone you didn't think you knew. I meant what I said, you are so good. I wish the world could see you the way I did. The way I still do._

_Sometimes I go to call or text and remember that I can’t anymore. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away. Sometimes it's over something little. I was researching different polymers the other day and ran across something that L-corp had developed. I saw your name as one of the chemists and didn’t recognize the configuration of monomers. I had so many questions about your work. I’ve always wanted to know more, but now that I’m free to ask and can’t I’m starting to see what I was missing out on. How much closer we could have been._

_I hadn’t realized that I wanted to be closer. I thought that we were about as close as could be. But now I find myself wanting to introduce you to that other side of me. There's a side that I’ve tried to push down since I was a teenager. I was told it was best to hide Kara Zor-El, but I think that was the biggest mistake when it came to you. I wish I could tell you about my home. Tell you about the food, the technology, about the way Rao shined through my bedroom window. Sometimes I try to calculate what the day would be back home. How old I am or whether I can figure out when the Day of Truth would be. I’ve tried to speak to Kal, but he doesn’t really get it, he was just a baby when he landed. He knows our language, but just can’t seem to form the words correctly. _

_I’m not sure when the Day of Truth is anymore but I’d like to celebrate it here. _

_If it were today, here are the things I would tell you:_

__ _1\. My name is Kara Zor-El and I arrived here when I was 12 years old._  
_2\. I feel as if I failed Kal. I was supposed to raise him and by failing to do so, I also failed my parents._  
_3\. When I was left with the Danvers, I wasn’t able to sleep for weeks._  
_4\. Sometimes I can still hear Krypton calling for me. If I’m not careful, one day I might answer. I nearly have._  
_5\. There are days when I hate these powers. Days where everything is too loud and my touch is too heavy. Where I can’t help but destroy everything that I touch._  
_6\. It’s selfish of me to say that. There are people who would do so much good with them and here I am wishing them away._  
_7\. I’m jealous of Kal. He is called the last son of Krypton, but truly a child of Earth._  
_8\. He has found happiness and I don’t know how._  
_9\. I was awake in the Phantom Zone._  
_10\. I tried to escape my pod._  
_11\. I wanted to die._  
_12\. I thought I was insane._  
_13\. Maybe I was._  
_14\. Maybe I am._  
_15\. I’ve been on Earth now longer than Krypton._  
_16\. Alex was my light for a really long time. She understood me when few others did. She didn’t treat me like I was broken even when I was._  
_17\. You are my light too now. My best friend_  
_18\. I miss you every second of every day_

_19\. I think I’m in love with you._

_20\. I don't think I can ever tell you._

__

__

_ __ _

_Always,  
Kara_

Kara rested her chin on her chest, eyes closed as she slowly inhaled. She wouldn’t cry selfish tears. She wouldn’t wish for something that she could never have and didn’t deserve. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please, please let me know your thoughts


	6. Chapter 6

_Lena,_

_Things have been busy recently. Kate has been trying to pull me away from the lab, but I just can’t bring myself to go. I feel closer to you here. I never got to see you truly in action, but I know its where you feel most at home. Surely its a sight to see. The lab is underground and the lack of sun makes me feel more human, even if I do miss the light a little. I‘m a bit more tired recently. I used to be able to stay up for days at a time with no negative effects. Now I’m finding myself falling asleep at my lab desk. _

_I’ve been taking notes on the effects. So far they’re minimal, but I’m interested in seeing what happens long term. Right now it seems to be just a decrease in energy. My hearing is still extended but it’s taking a little less to quiet the noise like everything is naturally a little muffled. My speed and strength seem to be at their normal levels but I don’t have a gauge to test them against. I figure I’ll just wait for a noticeable change. It’s not the most scientific method but it’ll do I suppose. _

_I think Kate has realized that I haven’t left the lab and she’s starting to worry. My excuses are beginning to wear thin and she’s too intelligent to be deterred for long. I blame too much time with Bruce. Luckily I’m in the middle of creating a couple of new suits and the science side of things aren’t her area of expertise so it’s buying me some time to see how depleted solar energy effects me. I’d like to know my limits and my baseline abilities just in case. I don’t want to be defined by the things that I can do. _

_I can hear Kate coming back with food, so I must go. I will write soon. I miss you. _

_Always,  
Kara_

_Lena,_

_I’ve got a bruise. I made a red sun lamp and apparently it works. It’s just something small and I only spent an hour or two under it, but it seems to have counteracted the yellow sun radiation. I sparred with Kate earlier today and it was very telling as to my levels. _

_While most of my speed and strength are gone, my baseline is still higher than those here. The air at home was much denser and 12 years dealing with that has made my muscles stronger. I would surmise that the reason Kal struggles without his powers would be that he grew up here. I was already going through puberty when I left so the effects were long-lasting, he was but a baby. Invulnerability is clearly an effect of the yellow sun. Kate got in a series of kicks to my side which has left bruises. They don’t seem to be anything too serious but I could definitely feel them when she connected. The DEO training definitely came in handy though when practicing the hand to hand combat. She’s got a slight edge in theory, but practice with Alex with the low-level Kryptonite emitters means I can take a hit. _

_As for my other abilities they have disappeared completely. I can no longer see through walls nor freeze a room. It’s much quieter than it has been in quite some time. I know I’ll have to go out eventually and it will all come rushing back but it is nice for now. _

_I know I can’t just bury my head in the sand much longer though. Kate’s suit is done now and she’s taking on bigger targets. It would be self-centered to stay here and let her put herself in danger without back up. Not when I can do what I can do. _

_Maybe I’ll get my own dark angst suit to match her. It seems inadvisable to go as myself. This is her city, not mine. And while it’s my job to help everyone wherever I can, she should be the symbol for Gotham. The bat has a reputation here and I think supers are an idealized concept. We’re not perfect and Gotham knows that. They need a real hero who will do what needs to be done. _

_They need someone with grit. A symbol of sacrifice that I just don’t think I can be. They need to see themselves in their heroes, just like National City did in Dreamer. It’s hard to see yourself in an indestructible alien. _

_Always,  
Kara_

“Kara!” Alex’s voice is firm as if she had called her name several times. Kara’s eyebrows furrow when she turns her head and sees her standing in the doorway. She hadn’t been expecting to see her anytime soon. She pushes her letter under a couple of lab notes before she gets up to greet her sister. 

“What are you doing here?” Her voice is soft and slightly baffled. 

“Kate called.” She sighs as she wraps her arms around the blonde. When they pull back from each other Alex holds her at arm's length and Kara’s trademark crinkle appears. 

“Oh?”

“She seemed worried. You look smaller. You’ve been eating?”

“Ok Eliza,” Kara’s smile is bright as she lets out a small laugh. “I’ve been eating fine.” She shrugs. “How is everyone? How’s Kelly?” A wiggle of the eyebrows. 

“They’re all good. Nia and Brainy are holding down the fort on the superhero side of things. J’onn has expanded the agency and is working with the NCPD on especially hard cases. He seems to be enjoying the work. James misses his best reporter. He’s gotten an earful from Cat about your sabbatical. Seems she isn’t happy with him letting you getaway. And Kelly,” her grin stretches across her face. “Kelly is great.” The mirth on Kara’s face at that is clear. “We’re taking things slow.”

“I’m happy for you.” She leads Alex to a lab desk and is leaning comfortably against it.

“Haven’t seen you at one of these in a while.” She gesturs to the desk and the equipment. “You’re sure you’re eating?” Her worry is evident. 

“I promise.” She tilts her head to the side. “There’s a little kitchen and a small living area through the door. I’ll show you.”

Kara spends about ten minutes showing Alex her small living area off the side of the lab and then brings her back to her work area. Alex looks around with interest, a close eye on her sister. Nothing is outright wrong, but it isn’t quite right either. 

“There aren’t any windows.” She finally puts her finger on it. 

“We’re underground. Kane industries keeps the space under lock and key. It’s not even on the blueprints.”

“You’re going to turn into a bat too down here.” Alex gauges the situation with a joke and all she receives in return is a shrug. It’s silent for a minute before Alex breaks it again. “You’re a bit pale. When’s the last time you got out of here?”

Kara reaches up to adjust glasses that haven’t been there for months. “I’m not really sure. A little while ago I guess?”

“How much is a little while ago?” Alex crosses her arms across her chest. 

“Kate took me to get groceries.” She taps her fingers on the desk. “I’ve been busy here.” 

“Ok.” The longer she stands in front of Kara the more she notices the little cracks in her armor. She is positive now that Kara is skinnier. She would look like a healthy size if you didn’t know her, but her muscle mass has decreased and her clothes hang a bit looser than they once had. The tan she had since she was 12 has faded and there are just visible dark circles under her eyes. She isn’t the scared girl she was when she had come to them but an exhausted woman who is working herself too hard. 

As she watches Kara move around the lab, she doesn’t think Kara even notices the change in herself. She seems happy to share her work, but moves as if she is drained.

“Kara.”

“Hmm?” She has moved to a machine sitting in the corner and is fiddling with a couple of wires. 

“This is nice, but I thought maybe we could just relax. Have a sisters night. Watch some movies.” 

“Okay,” she almost looks confused. “I don’t have a tv in my room. I can move the one from out here?”

“Sounds good.”

They only made it about fifteen minutes into the movie before Kara falls asleep.

Alex eventually joins her, but when she wakes up in the morning, Kara is back in the lab, dashing from station to station, completly engaged in whatever it is she's dong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?

**Author's Note:**

> Finally caught up today with the show today. Let me know what you think? Not completely sure how I feel about this. Guess that's what happens when you get to writing at 2 am
> 
> Tumblr: ifailbutitry


End file.
